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[GUEST ARRIVAL LETTER - FUNK MOUNTAIN LUXURY SKI RESORT]
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Hello, my gorgeously-grotesque minion, and welcome to Funk Mountain!

First and foremost: Funk Mountain has a ZERO-TOLERANCE-POLICY regarding wubstep. Any Corsair caught listening to that awful “music” on our premises will be…dealt with. Remember those rumors about this resort having a “top secret laboratory” underneath it, equipped with all kinds of lasers and a big ol’ incinerator? Just try “Pressing Start” while you’re here, and I promise you’ll find out if there was any truth behind them…

Ahem…where was I—wait, you’re not writing this part down, are you? CLEARLY, this isn’t part of the welcome letter, you idiot! Can’t you tell the difference between me dictating a letter, and pausing to think for a moment? Ugh. You’re all useless, I swear.

ANYWAYS, whether you’re a seasoned Corsair veteran arriving for our annual retreat, or a new recruit fresh off your first mission (brilliant work on the siege of that horrid, Jelly Castle, by the way!) – Funk Mountain has something for everyone!

Be sure to swing by the lounge at the end of the day, where our resident superstar, Smooth Jazz, will be performing live with his band! And if you’re really feeling adventurous, you can always try taking him on head to head out on the mountain – I should warn you though, the only thing smoother than his saxophone riffs, are his moves on the slopes!

Don’t forget: at Funk Mountain, the funkiest always comes out on top!

If you have any questions or concerns – I don’t care.

Enjoy your stay!

Doctor W.

P.S. The password for the WiFi is: IH8WUBSTEP